Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Day 5It's been 5 days mole, since we had that talk. I've been wanting to blog, but I didnt have the courage to. Cause I'm afraid I'd cry like a silly idiot in front of the comp. But today, I finally decided to do so.
I think, you probably dont come here anymore baby. So this is probably one of the safest place I could write like I'm writing to you, yet these words will probably not get to you. This is a place I can call you baby for all I want, and it doesnt have to be seen by the evil eyes of this world, to judge us, to judge you, nor to judge me.
I can tell you how I still want you back here, and cry my heart out, with no one to look or think in anyway more than what I mean my words to be. Hence, I call this my little world, a little world that I wanna share with you, and no one else baby, since this is probably where you wouldnt want to write in anymore.
Fact is, I've been avoiding, and pushing away all these emotions, trying to look forward to happy tomorrows. I've been trying to avoid sad sappy songs that remind me of my heart ache, but, by some chance or anything, I heard this song called Wang Le Ai, which made me burst into tears almost uncontrollably. I've no idea why. It seems to be singing about us, about us now, about us in the days/months/years to come.
I've been trying very hard to push away the thoughts, of you looking forward to the msges of another someone, of you looking forward to seeing or hearing from him, of you looing forward to seeing him, of you liking that other someone, but they're haunting me like recurring nightmares all day and night.
If I could, I really might want to choose to end my journey as of here. But, I have not found the courange to. I still want to stay by you, for as long as I can, for as long as you allow me to. I am taking all that you're giving for granted. I'm sorry if I pushed the limits baby. I hate the intensity of all that I'm feeling baby. I hate it. When I look at you, I just wanna hold your hands in mind, hold you in my arm. I'd wanna tell you how beautiful and perfect you are to me baby. I'd love to tell you how I want to be the one in your life, and for you to please, just love me. But its all not coming back baby. Its not.
Everyday I wake, having nothing to look forward to, not daring to look forward to anything either. Every week I find myself feeling the fear all over again, because I dont know how often I'd get to see you in the next week, and yet I know my life would be empty without you. My mind would not be at where my body is at, my heart would not stop thinking about what I should not be thinking about.
I wish there was a thing that could help me forget, forget you, forget us baby. But there isnt. Teach me baby, teach me how to move forward from here.
I could see I love you,
it hurts me deep in my heart
wo bu neng xiang ni zhe yang
shuo fen le jiu wang
wo zhe yang shi jian qiang
hai shi wang le ai de mian qiang
guo qu bu xiang quan bu yin cang
jiu shi zhe yi wang...
`missing youu at 1:35 AM.
